I often wonder how I got to this place. How I become this cold-hearted cynical ogress who can only see the bad in people, in life. I look in the mirror and a stranger appears before me. She mocks everything I was, everything I once stood for.
I used to smile a lot. There was a time when I was happy most of the time. I found the good in everyone even when others couldn’t see past their rough exterior. I loved. I laughed. When I cried it was not the tears of self-pity. They were tears for others and their misfortune. I miss her. She was the person I am supposed to be.
Maybe fear led me to this place. The fear of being rejected by those I cared about. I may have subconsciously decided that people weren’t worth my time and effort if in the end it only brought pain and suffering. It could be that I cared too much and they cared too little and I finally gave up. Or perhaps I just became selfish and wanted what I felt was best for me. Maybe I was wrong.
I often wonder if that woman will ever be rediscovered. Will she have the strength to move past the fear and send that stranger on her way? I cling to the hope that somewhere deep inside that woman still exists and someday I will become the woman I used to be.
10/10/06