I was bored one day while old Ned was out huntin’. I couldn’t find nothin’ on that there TV. I looked over at the card table and said, what the heck, I might as well turn that thing on and give it a try.
It took about five minutes to get ready, so I went out and had a smoke or two while I was waiting. I came back in and clicked the little doo hickey that my son showed me. Again, five minutes to load. I have crappy old dial up because Ned says that we can’t afford that DSL or whatever they call it.
Then it happened. The stupid thing talked to me. It said, “You’ve got mail.”
I thought I was going to pass out. I ain’t never used one of those things before and then when I decided to it ended up being possessed by demons.
So, I done called the ole reverend to come anoint the darned thing with baby oil, I mean olive oil. Yeah that’s what it’s called, olive oil.
Well, he came over about ten minutes later. He got that oil out and dumped it all over screen. He said, “In the name of Jesus let this contraption go! Amen, Hallelujah, praise the Lord, I feel the spirit of the Lord in this place! Whew, I felt it too, well, either that or the pickled pigs feet I done ate for dinner the night before.
After he left I decided to give it one more try. It took me right near an hour to clean that oil off the screen. I was so mad, but I finally turned it on again. By the time the dern thing got ready I had done smoked a whole pack of cigs, but it’s okay because I already have emphysema. I might as well enjoy my smokes while I can.
I clicked that little demon thing again and prayed, oh man did I pray. Just as I thought I was in the clear it happened again. It scared me so bad I almost peed myself. Leave it up to me to get a possessed computer.
Just as I was about to give up and throw the thing out the window into the burn pile ole Ned walked through the door. “Hey Betty Lou, I got us some mighty fine squirrels for dinner.”
“How can ya think about them grubs when we got a demon possessed contraption sitting on our card table? I got bored and turned it on and it talked to me. The reverend came over and oiled it, but it still ain’t workin’.”
“Didja call junior? He is the one who brought that tool of the devil in here. Make him take it back.”
“He told me that we had to have one of these things so we could be up to date with tech knowledgy, whatever that means. I’ll call him and tell him to come and get it.”
“Hello? Yare talkin’ to my answering machine. Leave me a message and I will return yer call when I get home from coon huntin’.” *Beeeeep*
“Junior, Are ya there? This is mom… Well, I reckon ya’s really out huntin’ them coons. Me and yer dad want ya to come get that computer. It is possessed by demons and we don’t want it in the trailer anymore. Please come as soon as possible. Love ya.”
“He ain’t home Ned. What should we do?”
“I reckon we turn it on and try to get the demon out ourselves.”
So, that is just what we did. Another pack of cigs and a few beers later we were ready to click the thing that caused all the trouble. Ned hit the button and we waited. As usual it started talking. “You’ve got mail.”
“Betty Lou git my gun, it’s alive!”
I got the gun like he asked me to. I wanted that thing to die.
Just as ole Ned was about to pull the trigger Junior burst through the door.
“Dad, stop! That thing cost me a cow and two coon dogs!”
“It’s possessed, son.”
“Let me look it over before you do something to it.”
We both stepped back and let Junior take over. He clicked and wrote on that thing with letters on it and finally it was that dreaded time. He clicked the button from Hell. We all waited and waited. Once again the words came loud and clear, “You’ve got mail.”
“See? It did it again. It keeps talking at us.” I am getting skeered.”
Junior began to laugh. I didn’t think it was funny at all. It is just like that kid to make jokes and poke fun when something bad is going on. He has the brains of a bird sometimes.
“Quit laughing ya fool. Get that evil thing out of my trailer.”
“But, Ma, it ain’t got no devils.”
“Then why does it talk to me all the time?”
“It has to, ma, it’s what they call email. It won’t hurt ya I promise. Here let me show ya how to use it.”
“Well, I’ll be darned. A contraption that talks, What will they think of next?”
So, that’s what happened a story never truer. Now me and ole Ned even use something they call an instant messenger. Junior can write to us from four towns over and it comes on the screen and we can write back.
Now we are up to date on our tech knowledgy Maybe next year ole Ned will put in some indoor plumbing.