The other day I was walking down the street and I began to hear this noise coming from my south end. Well, it didn’t sound like gas or anything so I became extremely curious. As to not draw attention to myself, I went into the restroom at the nearest truck stop. To my disbelief, my ass started talking. Not just a whisper, but in an audible voice. It shouted at me! It said, “Ya, know I always get the shitty end of the deal in this life”. I had to beat it with a tire iron to get it to shut up.
I was walking out of the restroom, just me and my tire iron. I heard the familiar sound,” You stupid fool, like a tire iron is going to shut me up.” I wanted to die. I just knew someone would notice.
The mechanic from the automotive department stared at me like I was a stiff who just rose out of a coffin. I ignored him though, until I saw him staring at my backside. That perverted son of a monkey, I thought to myself.
As I walked on the temptation became stronger and stronger. Finally, I turned to him and shouted, “What? You’ve never seen a talking ass? Haven’t you read that part in the Bible where the ass talked, you fool?”
“No mam, I ain’t never read the Bible. I ain’t the religious type.”
“You heathen! You mean to tell me that you live in Kentucky and you haven’t read the Bible? Shame on you.”
“Haven’t even opened the dern thing, mam. Wanna go out on a date Friday night?”
“You must be crazy! I can’t associate with no damn heathen.” So, I left right then and there.
The whole conversation made me forget about my other problem, but not for long. As I walked on, it happened again. At first just a whisper, but it became louder and louder. “Why does life have to be so hard? No one cares about me. All I am is a worthless piece of crap. You would think after awhile I would become numb…”
“Shut up! Why are you doing this to me? Can’t you see I am just trying to get home?”
“I…I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore.” Just then a young man about twelve years old with scars all over his face came out from behind the bushes. “I didn’t mean to make you angry.”
All I could do is stand there with my mouth hung open at first. After the initial shock wore off, I asked, “You mean that talking I heard was you?”
“Ye…Yes mam, I just wanted to be heard by someone, but I was too afraid that if you saw what I looked like you would run away. “
“I accused my ass of talking, man. Do you know how crazy that made me look?”
“I’m sorry mam, I really am. “
“It’s alright, now you had better get on home. It’s getting late.”
“Yes mam, Thanks for listening.” With that he waved and walked away. Relieved, I began my trek for home. Ah, peace and quiet at last, I thought to myself.
Darkness began to fall all around me so I picked up my pace. As I walked along I watched the stars and listened to the sounds all around me.
“Hey you, can you hurry up? I really need to take care of some business.”
“Who’s there? Silence. “This isn’t funny! Who’s there?” More silence. I walked on in fear.
A few minutes later I passed a few guys who appeared to be my age or a little older. We exchanged smiles as they walked by. All of the sudden out of nowhere the voice came again. “Say no to crack, you fools.”
The guys turned back and said, “What did you just say?” Oh my gosh, they thought it was me. I wanted to die.
“It wasn’t me, I swear, but I heard it too.” I knew it was the same voice that I had heard in the bathroom earlier. “little boy, where are you? Come out here right now.”
I guess the men thought that I was crazy because they just shook their heads and walked away, but I knew I wasn’t crazy. That little boy was back and I was going to find him.
I searched everywhere he could possibly be; in the bushes, behind trees, and even the old abandoned garage across the street. He wasn’t anywhere. “Stupid kid, I muttered to myself.”
“Hurry up woman; I really need to get home. You just don’t understand.”
“Who the hell are you? Please just tell me, I am going crazy.”
“Just get home and you will find out, I swear.”
So, in exhaustion, I walked the remaining five blocks to my apartment. Once I got inside I collapsed on the couch. I just wanted to sleep, I had already forgotten about the mysterious voice. Finally, I dozed off.
“Hey, get up, I mean it. I have got to go.”
“Go where?”
“To the bathroom, you idiot!”
I awoke from my dream; my stomach was churning, so I dashed for the bathroom.
Phew just in time.
Moral of the story: When your ass is talking, you had better listen, even if you think it’s just full of crap.