Last night we was watchin’ our progrims on tha Teevee an’ durin’ tha break, I saw thar was gonna be a gatherin’ down in Louavull. They called it a fair or somethin’ and said they was gonna have a rifle. We ain’t never been to no fair before so I thunk it was a good idear. Ole Ned wasn’t too sure, cuz he didn’ know what a fair was, but after I tole him ‘bout the rifle they was givin’ away he changed his mind.
We decided to go the next Thursday evenin’ since that was the night they was givin’ tha rifle away and cause Ole Ned figgered there’d be less of a crowd. He doesn’t like ta be ‘round lotsa people. It makes him downright near ta peein’ his thermal underwears when he has ta talk ta strange people.
Since it was a gun show I figgered I’d wear my belt with my pistol in it. I didn’ wanna look like I’d never been to one before or anythin’.
“Betty Lou, ya ain’t wearin’ no gun belt tonight. It looks silly.”
“You’re jus’ jealous cause yers don’t fit no more, Ned. Besides, my belt don’t look no more silly than a head fulla bawldness. Now, that is silly lookin’ if ya ask me.”
“Ain’t no one askin’ ya is thar? Jus’ hurry it up. We’s runnin’ late and I needa stop an’ git us some gas in the pick-up truck.”
“Ima commin, ya ole fart. Hold yer horses.”
So, we got in tha pick-up truck and we was on our way to Louavull. Since it was a coupla hour drive we got got us some snacks when we filled up the gas tank. I got some boiled peanuts and ole Ned got some chewin’ tabacca and Beef Jerky. I hate the smell of beef jerky. It stinks like Ole Neds chickin’ feedin’ shoes smell. I tried it once and it tasted like dried goat poop. Anyway, we was finly on tha road.
“Ned, ain’t ya excited? We’s goin’ to our first gun show ever.”
“I’d rather be home wachin’ Hee Haw, but iffin’ I win tha rifle I spose it’ll be a’ight.”
“You is such a loner, Ned. Ya need to git outta tha house more. All ya do is sit ‘round watchin’ Heehaw and cleanin’ yer gun. If it wasn’t fer the chickens an’ goats you’d never see the outside.”
“Don’t go lecturin’ me, Betty Lou. How ya expect me ta trust goin’ with ya outside the house? Ya almost got us right near ta bein’ killed at that thar concert ya made me go to last year. I’s safer in tha trailer.”
“Oh, Ned, yer silly. We didn’ almost die or nuthin’….Oh, look over thar. We is here. Wow, thar’s lights everywhere!”
I was downright shocked when I saw al tha lights. It looked like things I only seen on teevee. I was so excited I couldn’ hardly stand it.
“Hurry, Ned. I think we is sposed ta sign up at that little buildin’ over yonder.”
“We’s gonna be needin’ two tickets please, ma’am.”
“Okay, That’ll be fourteen dollars, ma’am. You can buy your tickets for the rides and stuff inside. Would you like to sign up for the raffle? The winners will be announced at 7:00pm tonight.”
“Oh, Yes! We’s come jus’ fer tha rifle. We’s so excited we cun barely stand it.”
“Okay, that’ll be $2.00 and I need you to fill out this little card.”
“I better do it. Ole Ned can’t write to save his life. I keep on tellin’ him he needs to learn himself to do it, but he’s a stubborn ole fool, my Ned…”
We musta been takin’ too long cuz that lil girl started ta ignore me. It was downright rude iswhat it was. I tole Ned we shoulda reported her, but he didn’t want no trouble. He jus’ wanted to win that rifle and git home.
We walked ‘round fer awhile lookin’ at the nice things people made an’ stuff. Ole Ned didn’t wanna go on them ride things. He said they looked like they could kill someone. We was gonna git us some viddles, but they wanted us to pay $2.00 fer water. That’s highway robbery, ya know? So we went and sat on a bench until we heart them say it was time fer tha rifle.
“Everyone come gather around the main ticket booth on the midway. It’s time to find out who won the raffle!”
“Oh, Ned let’s go. It’s time.”
“I know, Ima commin, woman.”
“Thank you everyone who participated in this event…The winner is….Ned Henderson….You’ve won a lovely dinner for two at the Lake Forest golf and country club….”
“What? You lied! You’s tole us it was fer a rifle! Look, all I have is this here hand gun. I wanted me a new rifle!”
I was madder than a hornet in mating season. I pulled my hand gun out and showed that man that I meant business. He didn’t like me showin my gun or somethin’ cause he went an’ called tha police.
“Ma’am put down the gun.”
“I’s jus’ showin’ this lyin’ scum that I need a new rifle and he promised me one. Is that against the law or something’?”
“Ma’am, I’ll ask one more time, put down the gun.”
No! An’ you can’t make me. I want my rifle dernit!”
That’s when they police stole my gun and put me in handcuffs. I thought they was jus’ wantin’ to play cops and robbers, but they said we was really goin’ down town. So, they shoved me in tha car and tole ned he would hafta follow behind. I was so mad. They didn’t have no right to steal my gun. Especially, after those fair people done lied to me like they did.
“Ma’am we’re going to have to keep you locked up for the night. Your husband refuses to pay bail to get you out.”
What? Lemme talk to that ole idiot. Ned, git over here! What ya mean ya ain’t gittin’ me outta here? How can ya do that ta me?”
“Betty Lou, they’s gonna charge us $600.00 to git you out. One night ain’t gonna kill ya. Call me when they let ya go.”
“You’s a moron, Ned. You’s gonna pay fer this.”
So, that be how it was. Ole Ned went home ta tha trailer and I had ta sleep in a jail cell with a scary women named Butch. I never did git my gun back. They acted like I was tryin’ ta kill that lyin’ son of a monkey at the fair. What’s this world commin’ to? Lyin’ sacks of horse manure!