She sat in a coffee shop reading the morning paper and sipping her white chocolate mocha. She spent every morning in the same spot. It was an escape from her chaotic existence.
She was minding her own business and began to feel uneasy. It was like the feeling you get when you dream about going to school and finding out that you are still in your bath robe. She put the paper down and glanced up. Instantly she was overcome by fear.
She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was him! She didn’t understand how he found her after so many years. She unsteadily brought the paper back up as she silently wept. She wasn’t ready to face him.
He came over to her table and started talking. He acted as though nothing was wrong. She put the paper back down and finally stopped shaking enough to get a few words out. “You leave me alone! You hear me you sick bastard?!” He nodded solemnly. He sat a piece of paper on the table and walked away.
She sat there in stunned silence. She remembered that day as if it was yesterday. All the bitter emotions flooded in.
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She was thirteen years old. As she walked home from school she had a feeling that something was going to happen. Then from out of nowhere a car started following her slowly, and eventually drove along side of her as she walked. The man inside was around 19 or 20. She wasn’t exactly sure. He said he was a friend of her older brother’s and asked if she would like a ride home. She accepted the offer. She was tired and the sooner she got home meant the sooner she could relax.
He seemed really nice. He asked about her day at school and seemed to be quite the conversationalist. She began to worry when the man headed in the opposite way of her house. He could tell she was a little nervous so he told her that he had a few stops to make before taking her home.
About five minutes later they were headed out into the country. The car stopped at a secluded park about five miles from the edge of town. It was late in the fall so no one was there. She started to fret. What could he possibly want with an empty park? He drove down by a wooded area next to the lake and told her to get out of the car. She fearfully obeyed him.
All of a sudden he pushed her to the ground. She tried to get up, but he wouldn’t let her. He tugged at her clothing; eventually removing it. He beat her and made her do things she had never done before. She screamed and cried, but it made him hurt her more so she just stopped and submitted. Finally, he got up and told her if she ever told she would be sorry. Then he left her there alone.
She was scared to return home. Her parents would surely blame her for what happened. After all, she was stupid enough to get into the car with the guy. She called her mother from a gas station up the road and told her that she was going over to a friend’s house to study and not to worry if she was late.
She sat in the gas station’s deli for a few hours. Finally, at eight she decided to make her way home. She snuck in the back door so no one would see her. She threw her clothes in the waste basket and got into the bath tub. She sat there for what seemed like an eternity. She scrubbed her skin until it was raw. She was so ashamed and felt so dirty.
She was so angry. That man stole something from her that day. Something she could never get back!
Her eyes became clouded with tears as she relived the horrifying event in her mind. People around her began staring at her like she was some kind of freak, but she didn’t care.
She wanted to be free of the bitterness and anger. She held everything deep inside. Her parents noticed a change in her after that day and had commented about it several times. That only made things worse.
She spent her teenage years in isolated rebellion. She wouldn’t let anyone get close to her, because if they did they might find out about what had happened. She was so ashamed of it.
She had spent years wondering what would ever happen if she had to face that man again. There was so much more she imagined she would say. After, 10 years she figured it would be easy. Boy was she wrong!
She eyed the piece paper that lay on the table. She wondered what it said. Finally she got the courage to pick it up. She opened the envelope with trembling hands. It was a letter.
It read:
I know that you will probably never be able to forgive me for what I did to you that day in the park, but I want to say that I am sorry.
I have spent years grieving for you. I know I must have ruined your life. I am sorry. All that I can say is I am sorry and I wish that I could take it all back. I hope some day you will be able to forgive me, but I understand if you can’t.
Sincerely,
John Anderson
She didn’t want to forgive him. How could she? He didn’t deserve it. She wanted to hate him forever, but something deep inside of her made her feel sorry for him.
She began to feel guilty about getting so angry when she saw him. She didn’t even give him a chance to explain. She was a failure! She never did anything right! It was no surprise to her. In fact, it was almost expected. Failing was something she was used to. She was a professional. It had become a way of life.
01/06/05