Deep inside every woman’s soul is a little girl. Christiana was no exception. Once she had hopes and dreams…
She used to sit and think about a time when she would marry and have children, like most girls do. One day she would marry the perfect man with the perfect job and they would love each other with all of their hearts. There would never be a reason for tears. It would be love….true love. Their children would be loved and have everything they ever needed and wanted. It would be the “perfect” family.
Spending most of her Jr. High and High school years trying to find the “perfect” man she became discouraged. Obviously “there was something wrong with her”, she would often think. It seemed like more often than not the guy would want one thing and she wasn’t willing to give that to just anyone. It was sacred, a gift for the “perfect” man.
Finally, she woke up and realized that there is no such thing. Men are only after one thing and if they don’t get it they are history and even sometimes if they do they still don’t hang around. When she was fifteen she met a guy. He seemed nice. He was cute, funny, and seemed to have a great personality. They started dating. It was great! He didn’t pressure her to do things she didn’t want to and he seemed to be as close to perfection” she was going to get in this lifetime.
Four years passed. He proposed and she accepted. The day had come; she was finally getting married! With nervous anticipation she walked up the aisle. There he stood smiling like he had just won an Emmy. She proceeded, with her stomach all in knots. Doubt began to fill her mind. She struggled to focus on the ceremony. “Was she doing the right thing?” “Did she really want to be with this man for the rest of her life?” Of course she did. He was her everything and he was finally someone who truly loved her for who she was. Before she knew it was done she was no longer Miss Christiana Thomas, she was now Mrs. William Jenkins. It was frightening but it was worth it!
All was well until three days later as they lay in bed. He turned to her and confessed that he had not been faithful. He had cheated on her a few months earlier. She turned away so he couldn’t see the tears that welled up in her eyes. She didn’t understand. “How could he have done this? He was so ‘perfect.’”
That led to years of distrust on Christiana’s part. Every time he left the house she wondered where he was going and if he was cheating again. Eventually, her heart became cold and she no longer cared if he came home or didn’t. In fact, she liked it better when he wasn’t there. By this time the couple hardly spoke at all.
They had three beautiful children, all boys. The oldest were twins. Christiana spent most of her time making sure that they were loved and taken care of properly. She often times resented the fact that she was stuck at home to take care of them by herself, but she wouldn’t have traded it for anything. William was rarely home. He showed no interest in his children unless someone else did.
On the outside they were the “perfect” family. They attended church weekly. Christiana was very involved in the children’s and music ministries and William was a deacon and ran the sound. People even made comments on what a sweet, adorable family they were.
When the baby was one year old Christiana decided that she’d had enough. She took the kids and moved in with her parents. It wasn’t that she wanted a divorce, but nothing ever seemed to change. She was always stuck at home, lonely. She felt that if she was going to be a single mother than she might as well legally be one.
She made a promise to herself that she would never trust another man. In late summer she broke her promise. He seemed so “perfect”. He always knew the right thing to say, and he actually cared about her. They began seeing each other. Deep down Christiana knew it was wrong and it would only lead to more hurt later, but she took the chance.
In late November something happened that neither Christiana nor Michael were ready for. A few weeks later she took a test and it came back positive. She wanted to die! What was she going to tell her parents? They would never approve. That night she called Michael and told him everything. He was excited and told her that “everything would be just fine.” She believed that. After all, he had never lied to her before.
Christmastime rolled around and Christiana knew what she had to do. She couldn’t hide it any longer. The guilt was eating her alive. The time had come to face the consequences and own up to her mistake. First she told her mother and asked that she keep it a secret from her father. She didn’t want to let her father down and she wasn’t sure how she was going to break it to him. A few weeks later they were sitting in the living room alone. She told him that she had some bad news. He looked up from his book and watched as she came clean. His response took her by surprise. There was no screaming and yelling, nor was there any condemnation. He hugged her and they prayed and cried together. Now it was time for an even harder task.
She told William that she needed to see him and talk to him. They got together at his apartment. She couldn’t look him in the eyes. So, many thoughts trampled her brain. Finally she just blurted out the words “I am pregnant.” He just stood there and said nothing. He didn’t seem mad, hurt, or anything. Perhaps he was in shock, or maybe he really didn’t care. The silence was more than she could bear so she left.
They hardly spoke to one another for the next several months. He went on with his life and she went on with hers. The children were passed back and forth like a football.
Over the months Christiana noticed that Michael seemed to be more and more distant. He would try to act like everything was okay but it wasn’t. One day he finally admitted that he didn’t want a child.
She knew what she had to do. A few weeks later she decided to end the relationship with Michael because she knew that it was going no where. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do, but it was necessary.
She was now alone. She worked a full time job, raised three children, and had another one on the way. She was scared to death. Her hopes and dreams melted into the tragic reality that there is no perfect life. No matter how many dreams a person has they will all be crushed. The burdens of this world are too heavy for such things.
A few months later William started calling Christiana. He said he missed her and wanted her to come home. At first she refused. There was no way she wanted to drag the children back into that atmosphere.
After much hesitation she gave in and moved back home. It was great at first. William was home much more often and he seemed to genuinely show interest in the family. They were getting along better than they ever had before.
August came and the new baby was born. William seemed happy about it. He treated Jason like his own flesh and blood. Christiana was relieved. She had worried that William would not want the baby.
After everything settled down they returned to their old patterns, William would stay out late at night and Christiana would sit at home taking care of the children. This time she had matured enough to understand that life isn’t perfect. People make mistakes and life isn’t always about getting what she wants. It is about being content with things as they are. It is a process that will most likely take a lifetime to comprehend, but that is just what she has.
A lifetime.